Havisham & Morrissey: Part 2

In the last episode of our Sim epic Havisham and Morrissey, I introduced the story’s sulking kitchen boy, Morrissey. Morrissey was the struggling Northern artist-cum-father of about twelve Kenyans adopted over the phone.

Today I introduce Havisham.

Havisham is Morrissey’s horrorwife.

Havisham is like what you would get if you crossed The Penguin with a sticky theatre curtain from Nevada rockabilly club, or like Beth Ditto if she had a flaccid cock hanging from her face. Her personality traits were meant to make her the worst person imaginable: a sort of venomous, black eyed widowmaker who is too lazy to cook actual meals so she just eats fly-laden leftovers that were never thrown out because I forgot to buy a sink. She briefly worked as a cook when I accidentally clicked something.

As far as I can tell, once your sim has a job you’re automatically given a weekly allowance as some kind of child care policy worked in to the game once you decide to have or adopt your little bundle of pixels. Also part of the EA adoption rule-book is that baby-ordering takes roughly the same amount of time as ordering a pizza and that all babies are black:


Out of Africa

Other useful true-facts:

  • Babies don’t eat!
  • Babies can’t die!

From Will Wright’s jewel-encrusted brain comes a soft, padded world where you can wall in your neighbour until they die of exhaustion but babies are given a break from mortality. As it turns out, babies have no  actual health bar and can therefore pretty much be left next to the fridge for a few weeks without any human contact until its toddler years.

In fact I tried it in a previous saved game and he only seemed to come out of it looking like a lightly unhinged version of actor Steve Buscemi:

The game forces you to love. Even though Havisham was programmed to hate babies her character  automatically coos and picks up your nearest  dead eyed Victorian doll-faced adoptee she’d see when it would begin to cry. So regardless of how the character’s traits were formulated all Sims are identical in how they react tenderly to the endless deathpit of baby screams. What resulted was a pointless treadmill of coddling and forcefeeding immortal highlander babies over 18 hour stretches. Pushed by the game’s inherent pro-baby protocols, Havisham and Morrissey would soon meet a tragic end.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE…!

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