Havisham & Morrissey: A Sims 3 Story

Once you get bored of playing the Sims the standard way, usually you’ll set up personal goals to pass the time. For some people that means bedding your maid, for others it means bricking your guests into a side-room.It’s an Xtreme sport of the bored and jaded, but apparently just leaving your Sim in a pool and deleting the ladder is passe and the only way that can get you thoroughly wanked over by gaming virtuosos is by creating a blog based around watching Sims develop a thick crust of piss fumes around their torsos over the course of months.

Imagine the magic spawn of Xtreme sports enthusiasts and guys with proto-aspergers and you basically get Robin Burkinshaw’s Sims drama “Alice and Kev”. Alice and Kev is in a sense a hardcore playthrough of Sims 3. At least, hardcore in the way that not giving change to buskers is hardcore.  Burkinshaw decided to create a Sims-human interest story about fake homeless people while playing the game as passively as possible, not lending a hand to any of her Sims at any point. Imagine it as a smart and in-depth look into Sim free will. Now imagine Sims competing to see who can stand around idly for the longest without inevitably dying from insufficient waffle intake or something. It’s pretty much the same kind of thing.

I figured while I’m scratching the bottom of the barrel for Geraface topics I may as well make a weird, desperate grab for attention by repeating more or less the exact same thing.

So hey Robin Burkinshaw. I see your Alice and Kev and I raise you Havisham and Morrissey. Yeah! And the pictures on your blog loaded a bit slowly for me one time. How does that taste? (To be fair it’s a great little blog, although it looks like it hasn’t been updated in eons.)


Like any Greek tragedy Havisham and Morrissey is a multi-layered story about adopting fifteen babies and succumbing to exhaustion and disease after I briefly walk away from the computer. On its deeper level it is a commentary on socio-economic issues in Northern England and therefore much better than whatever is happening here. Unlike Robin’s in-depth study of the harsh realities of eating spaghetti out of a bin, Havisham and Morrissey was an attempt to see what effect class fatalism had on the game’s pre-programmed SimSuccess so I built a house with three rooms and forced Havisham to repeatedly order babies from the adoption agency to rack up unemployment cheques.

Our two characters in this epic are influenced by hilariously insulting class stereotypes, all based on my neighbours. The main protagonist of this story is really Morrissey: a struggling musician who, like the real Morrissey, is probably quite good but it’s impossible to tell through his thick veil of twat. Because Sims 3 lets you choose out of a wide array of personality traits I set Morrissey to be incredibly ambitious yet so desperate for love he’ll spend most of the game crying. On the other side of the spectrum is his wife Havisham: mental, lazy, and hates children.

For the most part Morrissey spends his time standing about and looking like a bit like a 13 year old Winona Ryder while his wife uses her free time to loiter up against the kitchen counter for the three hours that’s required to make an Orange Shake.

Because I started the game by giving him the ambitious and musically-inclined loner traits this basically forced his reptile brain to pick up a guitar the minute he entered the house, then spend the rest of the afternoon strumming for 15 hours to get to the end of one verse of Hot Cross Buns. In fact for the first three days he really just spent his time standing in a corner creating rubbish rock tunes while speaking to no one at all, only stopping occasionally to agonisingly piss himself, also like the real Morrissey.

Had I not soon intervened by trying to order thousands of babies on the telephone Morrissey would be destined for stardom instead of spending his last days mopping his and Havisham’s piss from in front of the lounge chairs. But naturally this was all just part of the Gerablog XTREME social experiment to see whether family life would cause his dreams become dashed on the rocks like a tiny baby seal. The answer, poetically, was actually that he would starve to death in front of a herd of toddlers who wouldn’t move out of the way of the fucking fridge.

Stay tuned for more on…Havisham and Morrissey!


One Response to Havisham & Morrissey: A Sims 3 Story

  1. Pingback: Havisham & Morrissey: Part 2 « My Dreadful Games Blog

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